stevenpiziks (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stevenpiziks) wrote2023-05-22 08:47 pm
stevenpiziks) wrote2023-05-22 08:47 pm
Entry tags:
Trying to Come Back
I haven't blogged much lately, though lots has been happening. It's like that spoon analogy. I only have so many spoons every day to lift stuff with, and by the time I think about updating this blog, I don't have any spoons left.
I'm the administrator of my brother Paul's estate. It's not a job I ever thought I'd have. It's certainly not one I want. But it must be done, and I'm the person in our family who is closest to Oakland County, where Paul lived. The job requires multiple trips to the courthouse, you see. So many forms, so many little jobs, so many people and businesses to talk to. It's daunting and draining and it's a continual reminder that my brother died. This takes up a lot of spoons.
I decided early on that I would do One Thing Per Day. That'll hopefully prevent me from burning out. Sometimes I break that rule, but mainly it lets me be okay for not plowing through every single thing that I =could= do on a given day. It lets me give myself a break.
This job isn't a labor of love. It's a labor of grief.
In the meantime, we have The Short Version of what's going on right now:
--My seniors have taken their exams already. They're done with school! This means I only teach one class of freshmen per day. (!) This makes my life easier in so many ways, as you might imagine, especially since I have all this estate stuff to handle now.
--On the day the seniors came in to pick up their caps and gowns, a large group of young men who I swear hated me--they seemed to delight in making class difficult--stampeded into my classroom wearing their gowns and booming, "We're gonna miss you, Mr. Piziks!" "This was my favorite class!" "I'll never forget you!" and such, and I was thinking, "Then why did you make life so difficult for me?" It's the way many teenagers shows affection, I suppose. It was both strange and uplifting.
--I did Paul's taxes. I was secretly hoping it would only take an hour or so. It took five, and basically wiped out an entire Saturday. The experience left me drained and exhausted.
--The results of my cancer biopsy came back. The cancerous lesion hasn't moved or grown since last time, so I don't need treatment. Additionally, the oncologist decided my risk of problems was so low that I was demoted to seeing the physician's assistant now. So ... yay!!
--The results of my latest kidney stone x-ray came back. When they showed up in my patient portal, the physician reading the x-ray reported "multiple" stones 4mm or larger on both sides. This freaked me out. Six months ago, I had two tiny stones, and that was it. So I was terrified I'd need more of the treatments that sent me to a therapist. But when I met with my urologist, he said he disagreed with the reading. "I don't know what he was looking at," he said, "but I only see the same two small stones you had before. Nothing's changed, and these stones aren't going to cause problems anytime soon. See you in six months." So ... yay!!
--After Paul's funeral and before my biopsy, I took a getaway weekend to Cleveland for a change of scene and to settle myself with some alone time. Why Cleveland? I overnighted there in order to fly out for my Hawaii trip last February, and said to myself, "This place looks pretty interesting. I should come back and explore it a little more." So I did. I biked some trails and slept late and visited the most amazing food market and bought the most amazing food and generally did my best to unwind. It was a nice trip, and I'm glad I went.
--I finally started writing again. It was difficult, honestly. I felt like I had forgotten how, and kept putting it off. But finally I did. I wrote more of the fantasy novel my Dear Agent is marketing samples for and surprised myself by finishing more than two thousand words in one sitting. I've also started an SF short story because I've decided to renew my campaign to get into the Big Three--F&SF, Asimov's, and Analog. I've gotten a lot better at short stories recently. They're more powerful and punchier now than my earlier work. I think it's a function of age and experience. It's nice to know I haven't peaked as a writer yet.
Life moves forward.
I'm the administrator of my brother Paul's estate. It's not a job I ever thought I'd have. It's certainly not one I want. But it must be done, and I'm the person in our family who is closest to Oakland County, where Paul lived. The job requires multiple trips to the courthouse, you see. So many forms, so many little jobs, so many people and businesses to talk to. It's daunting and draining and it's a continual reminder that my brother died. This takes up a lot of spoons.
I decided early on that I would do One Thing Per Day. That'll hopefully prevent me from burning out. Sometimes I break that rule, but mainly it lets me be okay for not plowing through every single thing that I =could= do on a given day. It lets me give myself a break.
This job isn't a labor of love. It's a labor of grief.
In the meantime, we have The Short Version of what's going on right now:
--My seniors have taken their exams already. They're done with school! This means I only teach one class of freshmen per day. (!) This makes my life easier in so many ways, as you might imagine, especially since I have all this estate stuff to handle now.
--On the day the seniors came in to pick up their caps and gowns, a large group of young men who I swear hated me--they seemed to delight in making class difficult--stampeded into my classroom wearing their gowns and booming, "We're gonna miss you, Mr. Piziks!" "This was my favorite class!" "I'll never forget you!" and such, and I was thinking, "Then why did you make life so difficult for me?" It's the way many teenagers shows affection, I suppose. It was both strange and uplifting.
--I did Paul's taxes. I was secretly hoping it would only take an hour or so. It took five, and basically wiped out an entire Saturday. The experience left me drained and exhausted.
--The results of my cancer biopsy came back. The cancerous lesion hasn't moved or grown since last time, so I don't need treatment. Additionally, the oncologist decided my risk of problems was so low that I was demoted to seeing the physician's assistant now. So ... yay!!
--The results of my latest kidney stone x-ray came back. When they showed up in my patient portal, the physician reading the x-ray reported "multiple" stones 4mm or larger on both sides. This freaked me out. Six months ago, I had two tiny stones, and that was it. So I was terrified I'd need more of the treatments that sent me to a therapist. But when I met with my urologist, he said he disagreed with the reading. "I don't know what he was looking at," he said, "but I only see the same two small stones you had before. Nothing's changed, and these stones aren't going to cause problems anytime soon. See you in six months." So ... yay!!
--After Paul's funeral and before my biopsy, I took a getaway weekend to Cleveland for a change of scene and to settle myself with some alone time. Why Cleveland? I overnighted there in order to fly out for my Hawaii trip last February, and said to myself, "This place looks pretty interesting. I should come back and explore it a little more." So I did. I biked some trails and slept late and visited the most amazing food market and bought the most amazing food and generally did my best to unwind. It was a nice trip, and I'm glad I went.
--I finally started writing again. It was difficult, honestly. I felt like I had forgotten how, and kept putting it off. But finally I did. I wrote more of the fantasy novel my Dear Agent is marketing samples for and surprised myself by finishing more than two thousand words in one sitting. I've also started an SF short story because I've decided to renew my campaign to get into the Big Three--F&SF, Asimov's, and Analog. I've gotten a lot better at short stories recently. They're more powerful and punchier now than my earlier work. I think it's a function of age and experience. It's nice to know I haven't peaked as a writer yet.
Life moves forward.