stevenpiziks | In Which a Witch Gets a Psychic Reading

The French Quarter sits at a bend in the Mississippi River. The upper end is where the partying happens. Down closer to the river is the artsy district, where things are more genteel. Little shops of oddities, restaurants, a standing art festival. A wrought-iron fence surrounds Jackson Square, and artists hang their work on it for sale. Some artists also do caricatures and portraits. The area in front of the cathedral is a regular street theater spot. Jazz bands, an acrobatic clown, and singers rotate through. I haven't been able to figure out if it's a show-up-and-grab-it kind of thing or if there's some kind of schedule. But it's good entertainment.

There's also a long row of psychic readers at little tables under umbrellas.

Hmmm. I've been reading Tarot cards since I was six and I learned palmistry when I was in college. I know exactly how this kind of thing goes. I know what kind of predictions are possible and what aren't. I also know what frauds do to fool people.

I've never had a psychic reading done by someone who didn't know that I'm an expert reader myself. It would be a waste of money, since I can my own reading. Today I decided to have one done, just to see what would happen.

The reader, whose table sign said she was a "True Gypsy Fortuneteller," greeted me and told me I could pay at the end of the reading. She had me spread my hands, palm up, on her table. She glanced at them and read them to me. Then she did a Tarot spread—of only four cards. She dealt them quickly and covered them with a paperweight. I could barely make them out and had to ask her what they were. She told me the cards only worked for a year into the future, and she gave me the card reading.

I knew from the first few seconds that she was a complete fraud, from beginning to end and side to side. It was all show. Even she didn't believe what she was saying.

Here's what she told me about my hands and my cards.

Hands: "You have a stubborn streak and want to get your own way a lot. What's your mother's name? [I told her.] Ah! You have a lot of her in you. You have a long lifeline, so you'll have a long and healthy life. You tend to overthink, and it gets in your way sometimes."

Cards: "You lost some money in 2025. You will come into some money in 2026, though. You're in a stable place in your life." [And a couple other things I forget.]

Did you catch all that? ALL of it could apply to just about anyone. Everyone likes to get their own way. Everyone has their mother in them. I do overthink, she had that right, but it's a very common trait, and she did notice that I hovered a little near her table before sitting down. Overthinking. I retired in 2025, so my income dropped—loss of money—but almost everybody loses money in some way in a given year, and her prediction that more money is to come is a standard upbeat ending to a fake reading. And the word "stable" is so vague as to be meaningless. Stable at relationships? Money? Health? What? It could apply to anyone, from the right point of view. And if she got the long life thing wrong, I literally wouldn't be around to complain about the fact.

(As it happens, I do have a long life line, but in bright sunlight, it looks short because it fades for a while before deepening again. A reader who took a glance like she did should say I have a short lifeline. It takes a longer look to see the continuation, and she definitely didn't look. So she was right, but for the wrong reasons.)

Also, she didn't actually point out my lifeline—she only mentioned it. In fact, she didn't point out ANY lines. I doubt she knew anything about palmistry at all. Additionally, she didn't ask if I were right or left-handed, essential for a palm reading. Pfffff!

The cards she dealt that I could see were the Chariot and the Four of Wands. The chariot indicates being pulled in two different directions and having to fight to keep things under control. It's a powerful Arcana card and it rates special mention. She didn't say anything about it. The Four of Wands indicates reaping rewards for hard work and for bringing community together. She didn't mention that, either. She also didn't say which cards were for the present and which were for the future.

Faker!

Now, I'm not saying that I'm an especially powerful psychic or even a psychic at all. I =am=, however, an expert at Tarot cards and I'm a passable palm reader. I've studied many different Tarot decks, many different Tarot spreads, and many different systems of palmistry. This woman didn't even come close to using any of them correctly. She was just giving vague patter, a showperson, entertaining tourists who want to say they got a reading from a real New Orleans psychic.

I was pretty sure this was going to be the case when I first sat down, so I didn't feel any animosity toward her and her business. But I couldn't quite let her get away with the deception, either, especially when it was so blatant.

When she finished, I asked to see the Chariot card. A little startled, she turned it so I could see. "Usually this card means inner conflict," I said casually. "Though this is a different deck than I'm used to. It has a centaur instead of chariot driven by opposing horses. I favor the Robin Wood deck, myself, but I first learned to read on the Ryder-Waite deck."

"Oh," she said blandly. "Yes. The Ryder-Waite deck is so traditional."

"Very," I said. "They like to deal the Death card in movies to be scary, even though the card isn't supposed to be scary, and it's always from the Ryder-Waite deck. Annoying."

I gave her a cheery wave and left.

Was I mean? Nah. She should have known I knew what was going on when the reading began.