This retirement thing is throwing off my sense of time. It's a strange way to live.
I've always been a busy person. When I was in college, I joined clubs and made a lot of friends to hang out with. I also worked. At one point, I had three jobs at the same time. When I started teaching, my new job kept me busy in the extreme. Then I started coaching. And then Aran was born. And then Sasha and Maksim came to us. And then I became a single dad.
Into all this, throw writing.
When I started writing professionally, I took to heart the advice of an editor I knew who said new writers should write every day, and I did. Rigorously. It meant, though, that I had to give up stuff. I couldn't watch much TV, and I had to be careful about my social schedule. After a year, daily writing became a habit. Go me! But giving stuff up became a habit, too. I watched TV only when I was grading papers or running on the treadmill. I only read audio books, and then only while I was driving. I was careful to keep a trim social schedule--no more than one event per week, and it couldn't last more than half a day, except at holidays.
Irregular events became an imposition. Medical and dental appointments were a source of stress because they ate up so much of a day. Ditto for after-school stuff. And for socializing.*
Anytime I had the chance to do something else social--go to a movie, visit friends, go to a party--I checked it carefully against my mental calendar to see if I could shoehorn it in. I double-counted socializing with writing for years once I joined a bi-weekly writers group. It was both social time
and writing time. Genius! When I started dating again after my divorce, I literally scheduled the time into my weekly calendar. When I met Darwin, I had to work
him into my calendar.
Irregular events generated a lot stress. I couldn't cut out time out of my job for them, or out of family needs, or out of anything but writing time. But I hated and feared cutting writing time because I was afraid that not writing for one day would lead to two days, and then a week, and then a month, and I wouldn't be able to start up again.
This did happen once. I was under contract for THE HAVOC MACHINE (which, by coincidence, is now
available as an audio book). It was due on March 1. The September before this, my life exploded in difficult and unusual directions. Every moment I was awake, I was either at work or dealing with a home situation. And I do mean every moment. I remember one day I was sitting at the pharmacy waiting for a prescription and I realized that these ten minutes were the extent of my "me" time for the last month. I certainly wasn't working on THE HAVOC MACHINE. I had no time, and even when I did have the time, I had no spoons. One day without writing turned into a week, which turned into a month, which turned into two. By November, I'd written only one chapter.
I called my editor and for the first time in my career, asked for an extension. My editor told me the book was already listed in the catalogs, and it would be REALLLY difficult to deal with if it was late. I slowly hung up the phone, turned to my computer, and started writing. I pounded through THE HAVOC MACHINE. I stayed up late, I got up early. No one but the boys saw me outside of work. On March 1, I emailed the finished manuscript to my editor. It burned me out so badly that I couldn't even write blog entries for three months.
Things did get better. The boys grew up and got places of their own, reducing my parenting time by 90%. And on June 13, 2025, I walked out of Walled Lake Northern High School for the final time.
Overnight, my schedule evaporated. It was completely empty. I had no job, no commute, no real parenting to do. I wasn't even under deadline.
No, I didn't do the "what will I do with myself?" thing. I love being retired and having an empty schedule. If I want to spend the whole damn day playing a Batman video game, I can. And sometimes I do. It's frigging awesome, and I highly recommend it.
But ...
I'm having trouble adjusting to HAVING all this time. Whenever something comes up that requires some kind of time commitment, I get stressed. Will I have enough time for this? What will I have to give up? How can--
And then I remember IT DOESN'T MATTER. If I want to spend a couple hours plus driving time having lunch with a friend (as I did today), I can. If one of my sons needs support at the doctor, I don't have to say, "Try to make the appointment after 3:30 so I can get there after work, and not on a Monday." I just say, "When is the appointment?" If I need to do some unexpected grocery shopping, it's no big deal.
Wow.
Recently, my mother had some medical stuff going on that required my sister and me to shuttle multiple times back and forth to her house. She lives about two and half hours from me, and over three hours from my sister's, so it's a hike and a half. The entire incident took up the better part of two weeks. (Everything's good now, by the way.) When the problem passed, I realized I was bracing myself to go back to work frazzled and stressed because I'd had little down time.
Nope! No more job. I spent the next couple of days doing little and enjoying it.
I took half a day to clean and reorganize our big closet, and didn't have to feel like I was eating away at "me" time. I drive out to visit my cousins every month on a Sunday afternoon, and I don't get back until after 11:00. So what? I don't have to get up at 5:30 anymore.
But I still have to remind myself of this. The groove hasn't filled in yet.
*Time with my sons didn't count as socializing, by the way. It was family time, which was its own animal.